You hear yourself repeat a phrase that once belonged to someone else.
Perhaps it was something your father said while fixing things, a teacher’s reminder about fairness or a friend’s way of welcoming people without making a fuss. The words have travelled with you for years and quietly become part of how you live.
Learning how to talk about the people who shaped your values can help you share the relationships, everyday examples and memorable moments that influenced the person you became.
Values are often learned through ordinary moments
Values are not always passed on through serious speeches.
They are often noticed in kitchens, workshops, gardens, classrooms and shared car journeys. A child watches how an adult treats a visitor. A young worker notices who stays behind to help. A friend shows what loyalty looks like by turning up during a difficult week.
These moments may seem small at the time.
Only later do you realise that someone taught you the importance of reliability by keeping their promises, generosity by sharing what they had or patience by taking time to explain something twice.
The person may never have named the value directly. Their behaviour made it visible.
When reflecting on who shaped you, think beyond the advice people gave. Consider what they repeatedly did.
Who made others feel included?
Who treated practical work with care?
Who remained curious?
Who found humour in difficult situations?
Who showed you that kindness could be quiet and consistent?
The answers may reveal the roots of values you now think of as your own.
Begin with one person and one clear memory
A broad question such as “Who influenced your life?” can feel too large.
Start with one person and one scene.
Perhaps you remember a grandmother placing an extra plate on the table because someone might call in. Maybe an older colleague admitted a mistake without blaming anyone else. A neighbour may have shared tools freely but always expected them to be returned clean.
Describe what happened rather than beginning with a list of qualities.
Instead of saying, “My mother taught me to be generous,” you might say:
“My mother always sent visitors home with food, even when the cupboard was not especially full.”
The scene allows another person to see generosity in action.
Useful details include:
- Where you were
- What the person did
- What they said, if you remember
- What you noticed at the time
- Why the moment stayed with you
- How the value appears in your own life now
One specific memory can say more than a general tribute.
Influence can come from many kinds of relationships
The people who shape our values are not always parents or close relatives.
A teacher may have recognised a strength you had not seen. A friend may have shown you how to listen without interrupting. A manager, coach, neighbour or community member may have modelled calm leadership or practical kindness.
Some people influence us over decades. Others are present briefly.
A person you met during one stage of life may have changed the way you viewed work, family, hospitality, courage or independence. You may remember only a few conversations, yet the example remained.
It can be useful to think across different parts of your life:
- Childhood and school
- Early work or study
- Friendships
- Family and whānau
- Neighbourhoods and communities
- Creative or sporting interests
- Travel and unfamiliar places
- Later-life relationships and new connections
This wider view can reveal influences that are easy to overlook when family stories focus only on the most obvious figures.
Notice what you admired before you had words for it
As a young person, you may not have described someone as principled, resourceful or compassionate.
You may simply have liked being around them.
Perhaps they made you feel taken seriously. They could turn a problem into a practical job. They welcomed newcomers, told good stories or remained steady when everyone else became flustered.
Think about what drew you to them.
Did they make room for people?
Were they brave enough to be different?
Did they speak plainly?
Could they laugh at themselves?
Did they take pride in doing ordinary tasks well?
The qualities you admired may have become part of your own approach to life.
You may now welcome people in the same relaxed way, repair before replacing or make sure the quietest person in a group is included.
Influence is sometimes easiest to see in the habits you have repeated without consciously deciding to copy them.
Include the complicated influences too
Not every person who shaped your values did so through a warm or easy relationship.
You may have learned the importance of honesty because you saw the confusion created when people avoided difficult conversations. You might value fairness because you remember what it felt like when someone was treated differently.
A demanding person may have shown you the kind of leader you did not want to become. An unpredictable household may have made reliability especially important to you.
These influences can be discussed without reducing someone to a villain or forcing the story into a tidy lesson.
You might say:
“That experience made me realise how much I value people keeping one another informed.”
Or:
“I learned from that relationship that kindness matters most when nobody is watching.”
You do not need to share every private detail. Focus on the value that became clearer and the way it shaped your choices.
People can shape us through contrast
Sometimes a value grows because another person approached life very differently from you.
A highly sociable friend may teach a private person the value of reaching out. A careful planner may help a spontaneous family member appreciate preparation. Someone who changes direction boldly may encourage another person to question old habits.
Influence does not require imitation.
You may admire one quality while expressing it in your own way.
For example, a relative may have shown hospitality through large meals and a crowded house. You may carry the same value through one-to-one conversations and simple cups of tea.
A teacher may have expressed curiosity through constant study. You might express it by asking questions, travelling locally or learning practical skills.
The value remains recognisable even when the style changes.
Ask what was passed on through repeated family habits
Family values are often carried through routines rather than formal statements.
Perhaps people always showed up when someone needed help. Meals were stretched to include unexpected visitors. Birthdays were remembered, tools were shared or stories were repeated around the table.
These habits may reveal values such as loyalty, hospitality, humour, thrift, perseverance or connection.
You might ask family members:
“Why did we always do it that way?”
The answer may uncover a person behind the tradition.
Perhaps a weekly meal began because one relative disliked anyone eating alone. A habit of repairing household items may have come from someone who was skilled with their hands. A family saying may trace back to a person whose humour still shapes the way stories are told.
These conversations can add depth to familiar customs.
They also show that values are not abstract ideas. They become visible through what people repeatedly make time for.
Photographs can help bring influence into focus
A photograph may remind you not only of what someone looked like, but of how they behaved.
Choose an image showing the person in an ordinary setting.
They may be standing in a garden, preparing food, working on a project or sitting among family. Look beyond the pose.
What usually happened in that place?
What role did the person tend to take?
What did others rely on them for?
What atmosphere did they create?
Write a short caption that captures influence rather than appearance.
For example:
“Auntie June at the kitchen table, where she made everyone feel their story was worth hearing.”
Or:
“Dad in the shed, teaching us that a job did not need to be glamorous to deserve care.”
These notes help preserve the human meaning behind the image.
Share influence without turning someone into a perfect figure
When speaking warmly about someone, it can be tempting to remove every flaw.
Yet perfection often makes a person harder to recognise.
Someone may have been generous but disorganised, wise but stubborn, dependable but not especially expressive. Their humour, habits and contradictions are part of what made them real.
You might say:
“He was never on time, but if you were in trouble, he would stay until the job was finished.”
Or:
“She could be very direct, but nobody in her company was left wondering where they stood.”
These details do not weaken affection. They give the story texture.
They also prevent values from becoming unrealistic standards. A person can shape you meaningfully without having lived every part of life perfectly.
Explain how the value appears in your life now
The connection between the person and your present choices gives the story its purpose.
After describing the memory, ask:
“How do I carry this value today?”
Perhaps you still prepare extra food because someone once made your family feel welcome. You return borrowed items carefully because an early employer taught respect for other people’s tools.
You may make time for younger relatives because someone once listened to you without rushing. You might speak honestly but gently because a friend showed that truth and kindness can belong in the same conversation.
The value may have changed shape over time.
A lesson once connected to work may now guide family relationships. A childhood example of courage may help you try new things in later life.
Explaining this connection helps others understand that influence is not trapped in the past. It continues through everyday choices.
Fictional illustration: Aroha’s spare chair
The following is a fictional illustration.
Aroha’s grandchildren knew that she always placed an extra chair near the table when family visited.
They assumed it was simply practical.
One evening, her grandson asked why she set it out before anyone had arrived.
Aroha told him about her uncle, who had lived nearby when she was young. His home was modest, but he always kept a spare chair beside the table. He said someone unexpected might need a place to sit.
Over the years, neighbours, cousins, travelling friends and people new to the area had used that chair. Aroha remembered how easily her uncle made newcomers feel included.
She had carried the habit into her own home without thinking much about it.
For Aroha, the chair represented welcome. It said that a person did not need a formal invitation to be given a place in the conversation.
Her grandson began noticing the chair at later gatherings. What had seemed like an ordinary piece of furniture became part of a story about generosity, belonging and the uncle whose influence still appeared around Aroha’s table.
Record the connection between people and values
You can create a simple page called “People who shaped how I live”.
Choose three to five people and write:
- Who they were in your life
- One clear memory of them
- The quality you admired or learned from
- A phrase, habit or object you associate with them
- How that influence appears in your life now
The people do not need to be well known or related to you.
You might include a childhood friend, former neighbour, teacher or someone you met later in life.
Keep the descriptions natural. A few honest sentences are enough.
You could add photographs, drawings of meaningful objects or brief notes about places associated with each person.
Five conversation starters
1. “Who showed you what kindness looked like in everyday life?”
2. “Which person taught you something without ever giving a formal lesson?”
3. “Whose habits do you recognise in yourself now?”
4. “Who influenced what you believe makes a good friend or neighbour?”
5. “What value would you like others to understand through this person’s story?”
[CALL-TO-ACTION]
The people who shaped us remain in ordinary choices
Talking about the people who shaped your values is not only about praising those who played the largest roles in your life.
It is about noticing the examples that stayed with you.
A spare chair, a carefully completed job, a welcoming kitchen or a person who listened properly can reveal how values are passed from one life into another.
Begin with one memory. Describe what the person did, what you noticed and how the lesson appears in your choices now.
The person does not need to have been perfect, and the story does not need to be dramatic.
Influence often survives in the smallest habits: how you greet someone, keep a promise, share what you have or make room at the table.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Who should I include when reflecting on the people who shaped my values?
Include anyone whose example influenced how you live, think or relate to others. This may be a relative, teacher, friend, neighbour, colleague or community member. The person does not need to have been part of your whole life. A brief relationship or single memorable encounter can still leave a lasting impression.
2. How can I explain someone’s influence clearly?
Begin with one specific memory showing what the person did. Then name the quality you noticed and explain how it appears in your own life now. A clear scene, such as someone welcoming a stranger or keeping a difficult promise, usually communicates influence more effectively than a broad list of admirable traits.
3. What if the person who influenced me was not perfect?
You can acknowledge their strengths without pretending they had no flaws. Describe them honestly and focus on the particular quality or lesson that stayed with you. A person may have been complicated while still shaping an important value. Realistic details often make a memory warmer and more recognisable.
4. Can someone shape my values through a difficult experience?
Yes. A difficult relationship or situation may clarify the importance of honesty, fairness, reliability or respectful communication. You do not need to share private details to explain the influence. Focus on what the experience helped you recognise and how that value now appears in the way you approach everyday life.
5. How can photographs help me talk about someone’s influence?
Choose photographs showing the person in a familiar setting rather than only formal portraits. The surroundings may prompt memories about routines, relationships and personality. Add a short caption explaining what the person was known for or what you learned from them. This gives the image a story beyond names and dates.
6. What if I cannot remember the person’s exact words?
You do not need an exact quotation. Describe the message in your own words and make it clear that you are recalling the general idea. Their actions may be more important than anything they said. Focus on the situation, what you observed and why the moment stayed with you.
7. How can I start this conversation with family?
Begin with a familiar person, photograph, object or family habit. You might ask, “What do you remember most about how she treated people?” or, “Who do you think this family tradition came from?” Specific prompts help people contribute naturally and can reveal several different memories of the same person.
8. Is it useful to write these stories down?
Writing helps preserve the connection between a person, a memory and the value you associate with them. A few paragraphs are enough. Include one scene, one quality and one way the influence remains visible in your life. You can keep the stories in a notebook or alongside related photographs.
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