You hear yourself using a familiar expression and suddenly realise exactly where it came from. It belonged to a parent, friend, neighbour, teacher or workmate whose voice still appears in the way you speak, think or respond to everyday situations.
Talking about the people who influenced your life can help loved ones understand the relationships, examples and ordinary moments that helped shape the person you became.
Influence is not always obvious at the time
Some people have a clear and lasting place in our stories. We know they encouraged us, taught us something important or stood beside us during a significant period.
Other influences are easier to recognise only when we look back.
A neighbour may have shown you what a warm welcome feels like. A supervisor at your first job might have treated your ideas seriously before you had much confidence in them. A friend could have taught you that companionship does not always require constant conversation.
The person may not have offered formal advice. Their influence may have appeared through the way they lived.
Perhaps they stayed calm when plans went wrong, noticed people who were being left out or kept their promises without making a fuss. You may have absorbed those qualities gradually and carried them into your own relationships.
When thinking about who shaped you, look beyond the people who gave the biggest speeches. Consider those whose everyday example stayed with you.
Begin with a familiar habit or expression
A natural conversation can start when you notice yourself repeating something you learned from another person.
You might say:
“My grandmother always said that when things became complicated.”
“I learned to do this from someone I worked with years ago.”
“This is a habit I picked up from an old friend.”
“He was the person who taught me never to arrive empty-handed.”
These comments invite a simple question: “What were they like?”
From there, you can share a particular memory rather than giving a complete account of the person’s life.
Describe the occasion when the saying appeared, the kitchen where the habit began or the day you first noticed how the person treated others. A small scene gives the listener something clear to picture.
Describe what the person actually did
Broad descriptions such as “She was kind” or “He worked hard” may be accurate, but specific examples make the person feel real.
What did their kindness look like?
Perhaps they always moved along the bench so a newcomer had somewhere to sit. Maybe they remembered how everyone took their tea or quietly sent food home with visitors.
What did hard work look like?
They might have opened the shop early, repaired things carefully or stayed behind to help someone finish without seeking praise.
Try completing the sentence:
“I remember one time when…”
That prompt can lead to a story that shows the person’s character through action.
You might recall a relative driving across town in bad weather simply because someone needed company. A workmate may have admitted a mistake openly and helped put it right. A friend might have made you laugh during a week when everything felt heavy.
The moment does not need to be dramatic. It only needs to reveal why the person mattered to you.
Explain what changed in you
A story about another person becomes part of your own life story when you explain how their influence continued.
Perhaps someone encouraged you to speak with more confidence. Another person may have changed how you welcome guests, handle disappointment or make time for the people you care about.
You could say:
“Because of her, I try to notice when someone is standing on their own.”
“He showed me that being capable does not mean pretending to know everything.”
“I still cook this meal because she made ordinary gatherings feel special.”
“That friendship taught me how valuable it is to keep in touch without waiting for a special occasion.”
This does not mean you copied the person in every way. Influence is rarely that simple. You may have kept one quality, questioned another and eventually developed your own approach.
Sharing that connection helps loved ones understand why certain values and habits became important to you.
Include people from different parts of life
Influential people are not limited to close relatives.
They may include childhood friends, neighbours, teammates, colleagues, community members or someone you knew for only a short period.
A person can matter greatly without remaining in your life forever.
You may remember a teacher who noticed what interested you, a customer who offered unexpected encouragement or a flatmate who made an unfamiliar city feel like home. Someone you met while travelling might have helped you see your own life from a different angle.
Consider the different chapters of your life:
- Early home and school years
- First jobs and responsibilities
- Friendships and shared households
- Moves to new towns or countries
- Community activities and interests
- Family and whānau life
- Periods of change or uncertainty
Each period may contain someone who influenced a different part of you.
Talk about the people whose influence was quiet
Some people shape our lives without ever becoming the centre of attention.
They may have been reliable, observant or quietly generous. Perhaps they always remembered birthdays, brought in the washing when rain began or made sure a visitor had a safe trip home.
These small actions can form a lasting picture of care.
You might tell loved ones:
“She never made grand gestures, but you always knew she would turn up.”
“He had a way of making people feel useful rather than helped.”
“They listened carefully and did not rush to fill every silence.”
Quiet influence is worth naming because it can easily disappear behind more dramatic stories. Talking about it gives attention to the ordinary qualities that helped you feel supported, included or understood.
Share influence without idealising the person
A person can influence you without being perfect.
You may admire someone’s courage while recognising that they could be stubborn. A relative might have taught you practical skills while finding it difficult to express affection. A friend may have brought joy to one period of your life even though the friendship later faded.
You do not need to present anyone as flawless.
A balanced description often feels more honest:
“She could be impatient, but she never ignored someone who needed help.”
“He was not a great talker, though he showed care through everything he did.”
“We did not always agree, but she taught me to examine what I believed.”
This allows loved ones to understand the relationship as it truly felt to you. It also shows that influence can come through affection, difference, admiration and even moments of disagreement.
Keep the focus on your own experience rather than making claims about how everyone else should remember the person.
Tell people when they have influenced you
Not every influential person belongs to the past.
Someone close to you now may have changed the way you approach life without realising it.
A partner may have encouraged you to slow down. A friend might have introduced you to a place, activity or way of thinking that became important. An adult child could have helped you become more open to change.
You might say:
“You have made me more willing to try things I would once have avoided.”
“I admire the way you make time for people.”
“Knowing you has changed what I think friendship can look like.”
“You probably do not realise how much that conversation stayed with me.”
These comments do not need a special occasion. They can be shared during a walk, over lunch or when a familiar memory comes up.
Naming someone’s influence can turn an ordinary conversation into a moment of genuine appreciation.
Let the listener contribute their memories
If the person you are discussing is known to others in the family or whānau, invite their stories too.
Ask:
“What do you remember most about them?”
“Did they ever say that to you?”
“What made you feel welcome around them?”
“Is there a habit of theirs that you still recognise in our family?”
Different people may remember different versions of the same person. One may recall their humour, another their practical skills and another the way they offered reassurance.
These memories do not need to match perfectly.
Listening to several perspectives can create a fuller picture and reveal influences you had not noticed. A younger relative may even recognise that a saying, recipe or family habit has travelled further than anyone realised.
Fictional illustration
Consider this fictional illustration.
Grace always carries a small notebook and writes down people’s names when she meets them. Her son, Liam, assumes it is simply one of her organising habits.
One afternoon, he notices her checking the notebook before a neighbourhood gathering and asks why remembering names matters so much to her.
Grace tells him about Mere, a receptionist at the first large workplace Grace joined as a young adult. The office felt unfamiliar, and Grace was one of many new staff members. Yet every morning, Mere greeted her by name and asked about something Grace had mentioned earlier.
Grace says, “She made a busy place feel less anonymous. I realised how much it matters when someone shows that they have noticed you.”
Mere may never have known how strongly that ordinary kindness influenced Grace.
Liam now understands that his mother’s notebook is not only about remembering information. It represents her belief that people should feel recognised and included.
Keep a simple collection of influential stories
You may wish to record some of these memories in a notebook, photograph album or personal story folder.
Possible headings include:
“People Who Encouraged Me”
“Things I Learned by Watching Others”
“Friends Who Changed My Direction”
“Everyday Kindnesses I Still Remember”
“Sayings and Habits I Carried Forward”
Write one story at a time. Include who the person was, one clear memory and what their influence meant to you.
A short entry might say, “He taught me how to repair things, but what I remember most is that he never made me feel foolish for asking questions.”
With everyone’s agreement, you could also record a relaxed family conversation about someone important. Keep personal memory collections focused on stories and photographs, without including passwords, banking details, identity information or other sensitive private material.
Five conversation starters about influential people
1. Who made you feel capable before you felt confident?
2. Which person taught you something through their everyday example?
3. Whose saying or habit still appears in your life?
4. Who helped make an unfamiliar place feel welcoming?
5. Is there someone you would like your loved ones to know more about?
Choose one question and follow the memory it brings forward. One honest story can reveal a great deal.
The people who shaped us remain within our stories
The people who influenced your life may appear in the meals you cook, the expressions you use and the way you welcome, encourage or listen to others.
Some were present for many years. Others passed through briefly but left behind a lesson, habit or memory that stayed.
Talking about them helps loved ones understand the relationships behind your values. It also gives attention to the ordinary acts of care and example that might otherwise remain unspoken.
Begin with one person. Describe a moment that shows who they were, explain what changed in you and invite others to share what they remember.
Through these simple conversations, the people who shaped your life become more than names. They become part of a living story about connection, gratitude and the many ways one person can influence another.
[CALL-TO-ACTION]
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How do I decide which influential person to talk about first?
Begin with the person who comes to mind when you notice one of your own habits, sayings or values. You might also choose someone connected to a photograph, place or familiar story. The person does not need to have played the largest role in your life. One clear influence is enough.
2. What if the person influenced me only briefly?
A short connection can still be meaningful. Someone may have offered encouragement, welcome or a different perspective at exactly the right moment. Describe the situation, what the person did and why it stayed with you. The length of the relationship does not determine the importance of the memory.
3. How can I describe someone without making the story too general?
Use a particular scene. Instead of saying the person was generous, describe the time they made room for an unexpected visitor or quietly helped someone. Specific actions, familiar expressions and small details help listeners picture the person and understand why their example mattered to you.
4. Is it all right to talk about someone who was not perfect?
Yes. You can appreciate a person’s influence while recognising their flaws or the complicated parts of the relationship. Speak from your own experience and avoid presenting them as entirely good or bad. A balanced story can communicate affection, honesty and the particular qualities you carried forward.
5. How can I talk about someone who has died?
Begin with a memory, photograph, saying or routine connected to them. Describe what you valued about the person and how their influence still appears in your life. Let the conversation include warmth, humour, sadness or quiet reflection, depending on what feels natural for the people involved.
6. Should I tell someone directly that they influenced me?
You can, if it feels comfortable. A simple comment may be enough: “Something you did years ago stayed with me,” or, “I have always admired the way you include people.” There is no need to prepare a formal speech. Honest appreciation often fits naturally into an ordinary conversation.
7. What if family members remember the person differently?
Invite their stories without trying to settle on one correct version. Different relationships reveal different sides of a person. One relative may remember humour, while another remembers practical support. These perspectives can sit alongside one another and create a fuller, more interesting picture.
8. How can I preserve stories about influential people?
Write a brief account beside a photograph, create a notebook organised by names or themes, or record a conversation with everyone’s agreement. Include one vivid memory and explain what the person taught or showed you. A small collection of personal stories can be more engaging than a long list of facts.
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